Michele Bachmann Denies The Rumors Linking Her With Matt Damon

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 31 December 2011

image for Michele Bachmann Denies The Rumors Linking Her With Matt Damon
GOPicky Magazine reports that Michele Bachmann goes through eight cans of hair spray per week. (Photo by Mitt Romney).

DUBUQUE, Iowa - Michele Bachmann's campaign tour brought her to the beautiful town of Dubuque, Iowa, [Pronounced: THE-BUICK-EYE-OH-WAH].

The only GOP female candidate for office of the presidency was all smiles as the sun was shining and she was able to wear her brand new Daisy Duke shorts that her uncle Boris Crabwax had given her for Christmas.

Bachmann told the crowd that when she is elected president she will see to it that the price of creme style corn is raised by 15 percent in order to give the wonderful corn growers of Iowa a nice hefty little raise.

The crowd of 23 people erupted in a tumultuous cheer of "BACH-MANN! BACH-MANN! BACH-MANN!"

She then went on to say that when elected president she will make sure that all of the Occupy Wall Street people are all arrested and every fifth one will be sent down to a special prison that she, as president, will lease from the sovereign government of Guatemala.

And again the crowd started cheering her last name as if they were at an Iowa vs. Iowa State football game except of course that they would not be hollering BACH-MANN! but I-O-WA! or I-O-WA-STATE! instead.

Someone in the crowd asked her about the alleged affair that one of the supermarket tabloids had reported regarding her and Matt Damon of the not-so-epic film We Bought A Zoo.

Bachmann blushed. She dabbed at her hairdo and replied that she had read those headlines on a copy of this week's Just Saying yesterday as she was standing in line at the grocery store with a carton of milk, a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread, and two cans of hair spray.

She grinned and said that she has never met Mr. Damon and thinks that the rumors were probably started by Mitt "Old Mittens" Romney, who is one hell of a practical joker.

Bachmann then added that it also could have been Rick "Mr. Electric Chair" Perry or even Ron "Rip Van Winkle" Paul.

She did note that she will not resort to name calling like her opponents have as that will only cheapen her stance on political issues like war, famine, the Mars space program, the NFL playoffs, the economy, the rising cost of cosmetics, and Christina Aguilera's weight gain.

January 3, is National Planking Day except in Missouri, where it was outlawed in October of 2011.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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