Newt Gingrich: "I will drop a nuclear bomb on Mitt Romney!"

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 26 December 2011

image for Newt Gingrich: "I will drop a nuclear bomb on Mitt Romney!"
Gingrich will "blast the former Mormon missionary back to France where he belongs."

Notorious hothead Newt Gingrich today defended his use of an obtuse comment comparing his apparent inability to secure a spot on the Republican presidential primary ballot in Virginia - his home state - to a deadly attack on Pearl Harbor.

Gingrich knew about the deadline for filing in Virginia, but ended up scrambling for signatures at the last minute anyway. So, it was a little confusing when the noted historian compared his own tactical blunder to a 1941 surprise attack by Japanese fighter planes in Hawaii that killed 2,400 unsuspecting Americans, wounded nearly 1,200 more, and incapacitated numerous U.S. Pacific fleet ships and aircraft.

"Obviously, the kamikaze tactics of my competitors have dealt us a staggering blow, knocking us out of Virginia's primary, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination," said a clearly agitated Gingrich.

With a devilish grin, he went on to unveil his plans to sweep 67 New Hampshire cities, firebombing them relentlessly in order to unseat Romney, who currently leads Gingrich in the polls by a wide margin in that state.

Should that fail, he indicated that he "would not hesitate to detonate a nuclear weapon" on Mr. Romney, blasting the former Mormon missionary back to France where he belongs.

"Mitt may have an iron grip on New Hampshire, at least if you believe the most recent polls," Gingrich fumed. "But the fallout from what I have in store will loosen that grip considerably, I can promise you that much."

Most political analysts disagree. If the Massachusetts politician simply continues to flip-flop all over the place, they say, he's going to be an incredibly difficult target for Gingrich to hit at all.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more