Disaster struck at the Lady Gaga Memorial Zoo in Los Angeles today, when a group of animal rights activists were eaten alive by lions. The group call themselves Animals Shouldn't Suffer, Help Uncage Life on Earth (ASSHULE) and they are against what they call the "imprisonment" of wild animals - which includes keeping animals as pets or in zoos.
The ASSHULE members were attempting to liberate the lions from the zoo, but as soon as the beasts' cage was open they immediately set upon the naive protesters.
Some hippies were able to escape the big cats, and luckily a passing police car stopped to help out. At that point police officers pointed their guns at the lions and ordered them to put their paws up in the air. The lions were also warned that they might be shot if they did not comply, and that anything they said could be used as evidence against them.
It is not known whether the animals understood the warning, but it was irrelevant. The surviving protesters threw themselves in front of the lions to protect them from the police officers' bullets. The hungry felines then killed off the last of the hippies before the policemen were able to shoot them all dead.
In total, 12 protesters and 6 lions were left dead, and the zoo now had the problem of how to clean up the mess. One bright zoo employee had a plan though - first the grounds of the zoo were emptied, and then the tiger cage was opened from a safe distance. The hungry tigers soon disposed of all the dead bodies, after which they were all tranquilised and put back into their cages.
Police have warned animal rights groups that they should think very carefully before they endanger themselves and others with their reckless and futile gestures. Also a tiger agreed to appear in a promotional video for the zoo where he explained how his quality of life was so much better than in the wild.
