News Of The World Closes: Rates of Paedophilia Increase

Funny story written by Jason Bourne

Sunday, 21 August 2011


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Rates of sexual crime against children have risen since the closure of The News Of The World, a new report indicates.

In July Rupert Murdoch's best-selling newspaper closed down over phone-whacking. The NOTW led the UK in paedophile entrapment, often hand-in-hand with Scotland Yard constabulary.

Now the phone-whacking scandal has neutralised the leading defenders of child sexual rights, causing a spike in offenses, according to a new graph published in a leading New England journal.

Sex Crime

Results in the journal Not Suitable For Children show the rates of minor sex crime doubled in July. Internet grooming has tripled. Confidence among sex-offenders is at an all time high since records began in 1982.

The News Of The World, known to some as the 'Screws Of The World' for its sexual content, was known for championing of the cases of murdered children Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, claiming joint responsibility for the capture of their killer. The newspaper also outed other paedophiles, including eleven year old Merseyside teenager James Bulger.

Paedophiles are resting easier following the demise of the paper. Police are concerned that paedophiles will be able to operate without discovery. Under UK law, police are forbidden to whack the phones of suspected paedophiles without a Search Torrent. Extensive paedophile whacking campaigns coordinated with NOTW staff have had to be abandoned.

Head Of Choir

Murdoch has come under fire. On Tuesday he hit back, accusing critics of preaching to the choirboys, and cited his organisation's unblemished record in defense of the children.

A campaign is underway to have the newspaper re-opened. 'What difference is it if a few hundred people have their phones whacked if it can save a child's life?' said Marjorie in Kent. A group was opened on the social networking site Facebook.

Others were happy to see the backside of the paper. 'I prefer the sport,' said Gary from Hemel Hempstead. The Sunday Sport is expected to take up the slack from its disgraced tabloid rival, describing it as 'virgin territory'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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