Written by Frank Cotolo

Sunday, 16 October 2005

image for Ringo's old home faces destruction
A place Ringo Starr once lived is in the news.

LIVERPOOL, Great Britain - Former Beatles drummer, actor and ex-drunk Ringo Starr was vocal about the people fighting to save his old home from being torn down. "Don't bother," Starr said.

The surviving Beatles member, one of two (the other is Paul McCartney, billionaire), said he "does not see the sense" in keeping erect his former home in Liverpool's Welsh Streets.

"It's not like he is going to live there again," said a spokesman who is paid very little to help Mr. Starr with his press relations. "He wouldn't be caught dead in that neighborhood."

"But if they tear down that place," said historical house-saver Athena Bettina, "who will see it any longer? No one."

Ringo was born in the doomed house in Madryn Street, Toxteth, now in the middle of a demolition zone. The Liverpool council plans to take down the property brick by brick and display the parts elsewhere in the city to future generations.

Historian Buckwindy Poke said, "There is great value in showing children the very bricks that housed the legendary drummer. We also believe that rotting wood and other debris from the house will be cherished by new generations as the building blocks of fame and success."

"He wasn't even born there," Ringo's spokesman said. "They think he was because he said so some time back. But he was drunk then. It was that period when he thought he was selling many solo albums."

Ringo grew up in a house at Admiral Grove. He only lived, he said, in the Madryn Street house for four years.

"In his unfinished autobiography," Starr's spokesman said, "Ringo counts the years he spent in the Madryn Street house. He wrote, ‘one, two, three, four is the number of years I lived on Madryn Street,' If that book was ever published, people would understand what he means."

"The Admiral Grove house," said Starr's spokesman, whose salary was cut just after he gave this reporter the quote printed above, "is the house Ringo grew up in. I don't have to say anything else and I won't unless I get a raise in pay."

Liverpool's housing authorities are demolishing thousands of crumbling homes and replacing them with brand new property in the area.

"We don't care what pop stars lived where," said Arnie Skunk, a demolisher, "we just do our job and get our pay and go home. We don't go home whistling Octopus's Garden, believe me."

The city has not been able to conserve the birthplaces of John Lennon (one of the dead Beatles) or Paul McCartney either, but it has cared for the homes where they spent the most time.

The other issue is that the people who live in Madryn Street now do not want to leave.

One resident said, "Suppose in one of these homes right now lives a kid who is gonna one day be a drummer even better than Ringo and even more popular? What chance will anyone have to come back and point to the house and say there is where the little bugger lived?"

Another resident said, "We just like our house. We fixed up the bathroom a lot."

Another resident said, "George was my favorite Beatle."

Another resident said, "I don't hear this kind of thing going on up in Manchester where the Dave Clark Five grew up, do you? It's a crying shame."

Another resident said, "This whole matter is a tempest in a teapot and by the way, has anyone ever seen a storm brewing in the water used for tea? Not me."

Another resident said, "Why don't they tear down Ringo bit by bit and show those pieces to future generations?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Britain, Beatles

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