Toxic oak processionary moth wreaks havoc with Middleton coat of arms

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 19 April 2011


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image for Toxic oak processionary moth wreaks havoc with Middleton coat of arms
Larvae of the oak processionary moth soon grow into bugs like this

Bucklebury, Berks - Recently hatched Thaumetopoea Processionea larvae are rampaging through acorns sprigs adorning the newly forged Middleton family coat of arms.

Their toxic setae - or heirs (sick) - are taking just seconds to construct communal nests of white (bridal) silk - from which they crawl out at night, entombologists said today.

The latest outbreak has reached the Middletons' Bucklebury home where the cock-a-hoop royal wannabes unveiled the newest social climber acquisition today.

Garter Principal King of Arms Thomas Woodchuck said today the parasite is notorious for feeding on foliage in the crowns of trees - 'and royal diadems'.

Commenting on the infestation Woodchuck compared it to classic heraldic abatements - or 'marks of disgrace attached to arms on account of some dishonourable act of the bearer'.

"A classic example of this is the gusset sinister which when tinctured sanguine represents a habitual drunkard," Woodchuck explained.

"Another would be the gore sinister - denoting the testicular seizure of the Clinton Presidential Veep of eight years for instance."

Woodchuck also called on Forestry Commission health inspectors to explain how the infestation, first spotted in nearby Pangbourne last summer, has spread so rapidly to Bucklebury.

The 29 April nuptials may never actually happen, the College of Arms-Smuggling website added.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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