Phil Collins Retires After 42 Years In The Music Business - Says He'll Open Up A Sock Shop In Soho

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 7 March 2011

image for Phil Collins Retires After 42 Years In The Music Business - Says He'll Open Up A Sock Shop In Soho
Phil Collins at the age of 17 performing on the streets of his hometown Chiswick, England.

LONDON - Phil Collins who started his music career over 40 years ago has announced that he is officially retiring.

Collins, who is 60 listed the reasons as being health related. He said that due to over four decades of performing at concerts he has lost the ability to distinguish between a G sharp minor and an F sharp major.

He said that he first noticed this last year when he was performing before a sell out crowd at The Running of The Bulls Convention Center in Barcelona, Spain.

He said that it occurred during the second verse of the song "Groovy Kind Of Love." Collins remarked that he first realized something was wrong when he looked at the bass player and he was making the strangest face.

Phil stated that at first he just figured that his bass guitarist was just having a case of indigestion but then he noticed that a little later in the song the keyboardist made the same kind of face.

Collins said that over the years he has also developed what is commonly referred to as microphone rash which occurs in older singers after years of holding the microphone in the same part of the hand for extended periods of time.

Another health issue is that he is now afflicted with what doctors refer to as concertitus, which only occurs when the singer is asleep. What concertitus is, is when a rock singer wakes up from a deep sleep and has the sudden urge to yell out the phrase "Thank you [INSERT THE NAME OF THE CITY YOU ARE PERFORMING IN HERE.]"

Collins said that he sat down with his 21-year-old daughter Lily, who is noted for her extensive eyebrows, and he told her that he figured that it was time for him to hang up his microphone

Lily, who is dating Taylor Lautner, hugged her father and asked if she could have the mic so that she could sell it on eBay and make a few dollars.

Phil smiled and gladly agreed to give her not only his microphone, but his six sets of drums, his nine tambourines, his seven harmonicas, his pair of maracas, and a 2007 Ford Taurus.

Lily asked her father what he plans to do once he retires. Collins smiled and replied that it has always been his dream to open up a little sock shop in Soho.

Phil Collins proudly pointed out that on April 30, the city of Collins, Mississippi, will be honoring him by unveiling a 170 foot tall bronze statue in his honor.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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