Following an investigation by the Office Of Fair Dealing, Reddon News Ink aka Skoob News has been forced - by law - to reveal the secret lowdown on socks and jumpers.
Irrespective of who they belong to.
"They're not mine and that's for sure," said Jesus Budda.
Many others concurred - including former Liverpool FC full back and alleged Social Security fiddler - Tommy Smith. Who miraculously rediscovered the use of his legs when Liverpool FC beat AC Milan on penalties in Istanbul.
"I don't know nothin' about socks," Smith told reporters. "I'll admit that I once owned a jumper, but that's as far as I'm prepared to go."
So, who does know about socks and woolly jumpers and extreme knitting and stuff?
"Probably me," said former Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger. "But I'm saying nowt. I'm looking to work for Rupert Murdoch now he's taken over B Sky B. The rest is all about contracts and sock disclosure. I'm keeping schtuum."
Which leaves nobody any the wiser.
Including this reporter.