London - (Barefaced Cheek): Sales of Kate Middleton blow-up sex dolls have dived following customer dissatisfaction with the toy's much-hyped lubricants.
The $5,000 latex plaything is billed as coming with a state-of-the-art body-temperature gel designed to 'warm the cockles of your heart'.
Dozens of the deluxe edition have now been returned to a Chinese factory after customers complained of being rubbed up the wrong way.
Buyers were said to be furious when nasty rashes appeared in their crown jewels department, leaving many bent over double in gonad agony.
One man even complained his foreskin was left in tatters after just one steamy session with the doll in his outdoor hot tub.
"Prince William watch out!" a message on the factory's online customer satisfaction survey reads.
"Hope this not an omen for your wedding night."
The site has been inundated with furious rants about the sex aid's innards, advertised as being impregnated with viagra-like stimulant gels.
These have been extracted at massive expense from mating Siberian jellyfish before being deactivated - much like botox - of harmful skin-dissolving irritants.
The manufacturers may also be sued on possible plagiarism issues following allegations of copyright theft from a Californian outfit holding patents for the original Vanessa Hudgens latex sex doll.
The PR blurb for the Hanna Montana model boasts 'a cell phone-operated remote control' that heats up the latex to 37 degrees celcius, programs an array of vibrating orifices to individual requirements and activates authentic sounding acoustic accompaniments modelled on classic coitus coos.
Plans for a Gay William blow-up doll are now on hold.
