London - Following the 2001 attack on New York City, the United States invaded Afghanistan, and Iraq, Muslim countries that had terribly little to do with 9-11, other than the Taliban briefly harboring Osama bin Laden in remote parts of Afghanistan. Today, PM Tony Blair declared "dibs" on invading Iran, saying, "We were the victims of terrorists too, and it's only right that we should get to invade one of the few remaining Middle Eastern countries with significant oil reserves. Whether evidence linking Iran to the tube bombings will need to be "fixed," or not, plans for the invasion are reportedly going forward.
"Simply put," said Blair's spokesperson, "War is good for the economy. And our national psyche. Watching the British empire shrink over the past millineum has been dreadfully painful. Giving Hong Kong to the Chinese was the equivalent of watching James Bond get shot and die. Today we have the opportunity to reverse that slide."
Drinking in the U.K., traditionally held off until "the sun was over the yardarm SOMEWHERE in the British empire had become more and more restricted as the British colonies were lost, one by one. "By taking over Iran we can add three time zones and get started on our gin and tonics by 1pm," said Steven Beefeater, of the distilled beverages council. "And we're in negotiation with the colonies,err, states, to re-purchase Rhode Island, which would allow our pubs to stay open till 4 a.m."
Having blown the Argentinian navy to smithereens in the battle over the politically insignificant Falkland Islands, the British Navy is "eager to get started" attacking Iranian shipping, and ports. Said Admiral Nelson, "We've got these lovely Harrier jump jets, aircraft carriers with magnificent skateboard ramps on the front," and nobody to shoot at."
While the London bombers were all British citizens, they WERE fundamentalist Muslims, said Blair's spokesperson. "And Iran is full of fundamentalist Muslims. If they had a subway, we'd blow it up and call it even, but they don't. So I'm afraid they haven't left us any choice."
US President George W. Bush, who has labeled Iran a member of the "Axis of Evil" said the British announcement was bittersweet. "This means no American soldiers have to die liberating Iran, but it also means Halliburton won't get any contracts. Personally, I have mixed feelings about it. Those are feelings which go more than one way, all shaken up, not stirred, that kind of thing."
