Bush Calls for Patience in Iraq

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Sunday, 28 August 2005

image for Bush Calls for Patience in Iraq
George Bush looses some hair worrying about Iraqi oil

WASHINGTON (AP)-- On Saturday, President George Bush pleaded with Americans to be patient with the U.S. military mission in Iraq.

Bush broadcast his desperate request as less than 4% of those polled supported his illegal war policy and tens of thousands of anti-war demonstrators demonstratively demonstrated in his hometown of Crawford, Texas, and many more demonstrators demonstrated demonstratively throughout the U.S.

"Iraqis are now at each other's throats trying to build a nation that welcomes American corporate imperialists and contributes to further warfare and death in the region, and we will help them get there," Bush said in his weekly radio address.

He gave no sign of understanding the barriers to Iraq's constitutional process, where the dominant Shiites in Iraq are fighting the minority Sunni Arabs over the draft constitution.

"Like our own nation's founders over two centuries ago, the Iraqis are grappling with difficult issues, such as the role of the U.S. government," he said. "What is important is that Iraqis are now addressing these issues at the barrel of our smoking gun."

The president also hailed Israel's "painful" removal of Jewish settlements from the Gaza Strip and the increase in Israel's illegal occupation and vigorous colonization efforts on the West Bank, linking the move to Iraq.

"We are making the tough choices necessary for a future of colonial imperialism by us and Israel in those regions to make the world less peaceful," Bush said.

The president spoke in unusually strong terms about the need for more state terrorism by Israel and the U.S. to carry out their imperial goals.

"The Israelis must show the world that they will terrorize and govern in a warlike way, just like us," he said. "We remain fully committed to defending American corporate interests and corporate well-being in Iraq and Israel and everywhere else in the world too."

"We demand the freedom to crush all resistance with terrorism and violence in every form because we know that that's the only way to deal with the oppressed people of the world and steal their land like in Israel and steal their oil like in Iraq," he continued. "We must also make sure the camel jockeys keep selling their oil in American dollars and not in Euros, otherwise the dollar will plunge as it loses its status as the world's reserve currency. We would really be up the creek if that happened!"

The radio speech was optimistic about developments in the region but was another failed attempt by Bush aimed at countering declining poll standings and questions about how long U.S. troops will be kept in Iraq.

The president has repeatedly said that the U.S. cannot withdraw from Iraq now because doing so would endanger corporate profits and belittle the fighting men and women who have been duped into dying for companies like Halliburton, Bechtel, BP, Exxon Mobil and Chevron Texaco.

"Our evil efforts in Iraq and the broader Middle East will require more time, more sacrifice and continued resolve," he added. "People across the Middle East are being forced to accept a future of slavery to us, and getting these idiots to obey us sure isn't easy."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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