Wish List: Kate Middleton Wedding Registry Released

Funny story written by Catherine the Average

Thursday, 9 December 2010

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Middleton needs tools of the trade

With her first marriage pending, Kate Middleton faces the task of setting up house as a young wife. And, having lived largely at home over the past decade, there's virtually nothing she doesn't need.

"She's registered at Stella McCartney, Liberty, Paul Smith, Smythson's, Harvey Nick's, Vivienne Westwood, and Catherine Walker - although the Walker pickings are admittedly slim of late," said Arabella Wyll-Heald, a spokespersonette marking time at Clarence House between uni and a suitable marriage of her own. "But if anybody wants to select their own supplier for ermine robes, they should of course feel entirely free to do so. But not from Harrod's, please."

A comprehensive kit list has been struck and logged with suitable retailers, according to Clarence House. For her newly married life, Middleton needs every day basics including seven preferred tiaras at Asprey, a large print version (preferably signed) of Noblesse Oblige: An Enquiry Into the Identifiable Characteristics of the English Aristocracy by the author Nancy Mitford, and a country house in Gloucestershire listed with Knight Frank (POA, obviously.)

"Like any young bride, she naturally is in desperate need of a pair of George IV brass-mounted mahogany serving tables in the manner of George Smith and a Regency mahogany double breakfronted library bookcase. And it goes without saying she can't be without a monumental Russian Ormolu and Japaness porcelain forty-eight light chandelier. Luckily, it can all be found at Christie's London King Street, from 7:30 pm."

"But you know, relly, anything lovely and expensive will be gratefully received, definitely, because prezzies are so exciting and fun, aren't they?" said a suddenly animated Wyll-Heald. "After all, who doesn't like to get pretty things for free!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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