Adolescent Boys to Take Vengence on Image-Ruining Child Groomers

Funny story written by Inhopeless

Thursday, 25 November 2010


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image for Adolescent Boys to Take Vengence on Image-Ruining Child Groomers
Imagine these guys in jeans ans hoodies and a little younger, and you've got the idea

BIRMINGHAM - A new report out yesterday finds that most child-trafficking and child-prostitution is carried out by pimps as young as 16.

"This is messing up the image of young adult males," said John Cooper. "They hear 'child groomer', and then they conjure up an image of a 16-year-old boys attracting younger girls."

The report suggests that girls as young as 12 are sucked into a groomer's world with gifts, treats and shiny cars, essentially creating an ersatz love for the groomer.

"It's hard anyway," said John, "to get a girl nowadays. Now these assholes are ruining chances for the rest of us."

However, vigilante groups of youths have formed, who are hunting down groomers and child-rapists.

A team, armed with paintball and BB guns, asked this reporter to join on an excursion to rescue a girl who had been missing for two weeks.

After a twenty-minute bus ride to a block of flats in East Birmingham, the team put away their weaponry. They noticed a man standing outside the flats.

They then asked him 'she's for riding, right?', to which he replied 'floor 3, flat 3F'. We then went up to this flat. The team put on their masks and handed me one too.

"Put it on," the leader told me. "We don't want them to see our faces." They then got out their guns. "Now you'll see our attack strategy. We've practised using Call of Duty."

The team, of 10 guys, burst through the door, and attacked a man.

"What we do..." said one, "is... we shoot him in the nuts. Why? Because they wont be able to hurt any more girls this way, and also, they'll die a slow, agonising death. That may seem a little extreme, but these girls have been worn down, man after man after man coming in."

The guy kept screaming out in pain, so another team member smashed his head in with the butt of his gun. We encountered several more men and did the same thing. This only took fifteen minutes. We then found a dilapidated room, no wallpaper, just a bed. On that bed was a stick-figure of a 15-year-old girl, with fear in her eyes. She obviously thought we were going to do more damage to her.

"It's okay," said our leader. "I need some clean clothes and some food." Out of a bag, a shirt, trousers and a jumper were produced, plus some tuna-sweetcorn sandwiches and water.

"Thank you," she croaked. The team leader then picked up a packet of half-eaten biscuits and a bottle of vodka.

"This is what these sickos do," he said. "They make these girls drink bitter-tasting drinks laced with sedatives and dry, moldy biscuits. That's all she's subsisting on. You're a very strong, brave girl. She's lucky. We've found girls without food and drink for days on end. We've even found some dead. Guys were still going in and... you know... on a dead body. It's just terrible."

The excursion ended there, we'd rescued the girl and returned her to her family.

"We've had a 93% success rate. That's 7% we've let down. We're like Reuters journalists. They'd do anything to get a scoop, even their lives. We're just the same. We've lost two guys. You might ask us, why aren't we hunting down murderers? Well, if you kill someone, the victim only feels a sharp blow or something. That's it. If you get raped, you get broken down. You essentially die inside. It's even worse if you're a kid. The worst thing you can do is hurt a child."

What do the police say?

"Well," said Mark Bates, Chief of West Midlands Police. "It keeps these kids outta trouble. They get exersise and fresh air, plus they help the community. Win-Win. We can look the other way, you know."

Many youths across the nation are mimicking the Birmingham Vigilantes, starting up local vigilante forces.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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