Written by Sidney Bollocks

Saturday, 23 October 2010

image for Facebook user in strife
A pikey calling card

Despite plentiful warnings from internet and security experts, Facebook users continue to post and share detailed personal information, which is available to 500 million users, seemingly without any awareness of the consequences this may have for them.

One such Facebook user is Edmund Turtle-Head. He was put up for adoption by his natural parents, before then being abandoned at the age of six by his adoptive parents. Due to some quirky personality traits and his personal hygiene habits, he has no real friends, other than those he encounters in cyberspace, and, therefore, nobody with whom he can meaningfully share any aspect of his life. He is one very sad little bastard.

Other than his employment as an assistant librarian, and occasional weekends away to Clacton-On-Sea, his life is fairly empty. Through Facebook, he portrays a busy, fulfilling and successful life, by embroidering the empty truth with layers of falsehood.

Mr Turtle-Head posts every scrap of information about himself on Facebook. This includes his address, his place and hours of work, his bank account and national insurance numbers, his car registration number, his passport number and details of when he goes to Clacton-On-Sea.

Over the last two years, Mr Turtle-Head has been burgled on 47 separate occasions, with his house once being completely dismantled and stolen by pikey bastards. His car has been stolen and torched more times than he can remember. His pay disappears from his bank before he can get to an ATM on pay day. His bank has also reported him to the Organised Crime Squad, in light of payments passing through his bank account, which originated in Russia. He has been investigated for benefit fraud, despite never having claimed benefits in his life. Most recently, he was arrested on suspicion of murder, when a known Arab terrorist was assassinated by a Mossad agent, who happened to be carrying Mr Turtle-Head's passport.

Mr Turtle-Head does not appear to make the link between his Facebook activity and the misfortune he has experienced. In fact, he seems positively happy that somebody is paying him some attention.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Facebook




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