Prisons will close due to too few prisoners, governors claim

Funny story written by Sidney Bollocks

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

image for Prisons will close due to too few prisoners, governors claim
The Grand Staircase at the Scrubs

Prison governors have warned that jails could close, as fewer criminals are set to receive custodial sentences. The claim is made in response to new sentencing guidelines, which could see upto 7,000 fewer people being given time inside.

Chairman of the Prison Governors Association, Frank Chubb-Deadlock, said "This review flys in the face of what we have known for years. Crime rates are rising and prison populations are growing. We need to spend money building more prisons, not wasting money on some bloody namby-pamby, bleeding-heart liberal community service scheme".

Mr Chubb-Deadlock went on to say, "We have invested millions in the marketing and advertising of our services. Our new slogan 'Doing time? You'll be fine. Let HM look after you' didn't just appear out of thin air. It cost half a million quid for Scratchy & Scratchy to come up with that one. There is also the question of how much money has been spent on upgrading our facilities. Most cells now have flat screen TVs, Sky sports and movies, shower, WC and towelling bath robe and slippers, both with the nice little arrow logo. We have succeeded in maintaining a 95% bed occupancy rate. The Hilton Group would be envious of what we have achieved. And now they want to close some of our prisons. It really doesn't make sense to me".

A Lib-Dem Home Office spokesman, Tarquin Biscuitbarrel, told us "Prison is just so not cool. These poor souls should be given every chance to contribute to society. We have negotiated skills training programmes for them. Work experience placements will be available in merchant banking, accounting, law and representing a parliamentary constituency".

Mr Biscuitbarrel also told us that the Home Office had already received an offer from the BBC, who were hoping to do a home makeover at Wormwood Scrubs.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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