X Factor Methods Adopted By Degree Boards

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Monday, 4 October 2010

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Knowing your subject and "answering the question" will no longer be enough to get you a degree from UK universities.

In stead, an ability to break down in tears and forget what you're supposed to be doing will be the chief criteria for getting a first or a 2:1.

This spectacular change of policy follows the success of two acts on popular TV "talent" show The X Factor on Saturday.

Contestants Cher Lloyd and Katie Waissel were selected from the auditions by judge Cheryl Cole/Tweedy despite neither girl being able to finish their performance. They both broke down in tears.

Jeremy "Biffer" Coleslaw, of the Top Universities Degree Boards Association, said: "This is clearly the way forward in the future. Times are changing and we have to move with the times.

"A good exam paper in the future will include not so much a detailed and cogent argument about the matter of the question. No. Examiners will want to see an incoherently scribbled description of what was wrong with the candidate's background and environment - or how a beloved grandparent or pet died during GCSE's.

"Oral examinations will be a little more difficult for candidates as we will need to see and hear convincing distress.

"Failure to meet the new criteria will gain the student at best a third, probably a fail."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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