"Holy Shit!" Those were the first words that came to mind as Mall Shoppers in Rochdale stepped into the loo at the local mall today and found only a stinky sink hole to provide relief.
According to Mall Spokesman Hortense Prettymoth, the new 'state of the art' crappers were installed at great expense to accommodate 'cultural sensitivity' after a guided tour of some of the area's residences where 10% are either of Pakistani or Bangladeshi decent, and prefer shitting into an open hole in the ground to keep traditions alive.
While most of the foreign residents don't go to the mall, preferring to shop at home from door to door peddlers, or buying bread and fly specked dead chickens from corner vendors in keeping with their other traditions, apparently mall owners took heed when Muslim Community Organizer Mullah Larry Hussein Obama, said to be a distant bastard relative of the US President, suggested it "might improve neighborhood relations and prevent 'possible' unrest leading to picketing and disruption of trade."
Obama is the sole proprietor of "Obama Bog Diggers, LLC" and sits on the board of the English Toilet Association. His Vuxhall trucks, seen everywhere now around London where they clean out sewer drains, proudly proclaim, "Your Shit is My Bread & Butter."
"What bollocks!" said Kevin McWorthy, a retired gunner from the Royal Navy who experienced the new toilets, also known as Nile Pans, or more commonly as a Turkish Toilet.
McWorthy said he was appalled when he ducked in to take a good crap and was prepared to sit a spell with his Sun tabloid while the wife was out looking to buy some new dish towels.
"Listen mate, we used to have clean facilities here. What do I find now? A shit strewn floor..can't even sit down, and what was I to do with me trousers then...let them slide down around me ankles and sop up the muck...not bloody likely...It's a disgrace I say....Bastards!"
Down at the next stall a highly distressed Patrick O'Shannahan a Boston Irishman visiting relatives was waiting for janitorial help. "Can you believe this shit," he said hysterically, "come all the way over here only to wind up shitting in a hole in the ground... lost my wallet, eyeglasses and passport down the bog hole....I thought you people had come further than this!"
'Rooster' McAllister, who said he was just over for a quick visit from Scotland was more philosophic, "well, with me kilts it wasn't such a big deal...but the finger bowl instead of the old bog paper was kind of off putting...I didn't miss much with me finger, but really, this really is kind of heathen, innit?"
An American tourist identified as Willard "Splinter" Highwater from Arkansas, USA, was seen taking pictures of the new facilities from all angles.
When axed about his fascination Willard commented, " Well, geez, dad gumit, I've been looking to streamline the outhouse back home and save some money at the same time....this new hole in the ground scheme without the board with splinters seems keen to me.....just have to wear me high top pig boots when I go out to take a 'big un'...who woulda thunk these Muslims were on top of technology...guess that's why the President wants them to help NASA get to the moon....I know they had trouble with the Ruskie toilet leakin' in outer space...this new gimmick should shure cure the problem!"
I know, I know, you just can't make this shit up!
