Written by John Cavanagh

Wednesday, 30 March 2005

image for Blair commits to open and transparent government
"We're all socialists now."

UK Prime Minister Tony Blair declared that, if re-elected, "a new breeze of openness and transparency will waft through all areas of his third term government."

"No more secrets, no more stealth-like income redistributions, just complete openness and total honesty. I've learnt that it's not power that matters. It's just doing the right thing - at least, as best as you can figure out what that might mean at the time. One should stand or fall by the consequences of those types of decisions. These days, we have a very sceptical public out there. And they have every right to be. Believe me; I'm in a perfect position to know what I've been doing for the last 8 years."

"People accuse New Labour of being just like the Tories. They're right - we are the same party. But don't blame me for that. It's not my fault. Blame the Tories."

"That poor MP Howard Flight. He's the guy I really feel sorry for. He honestly believed that the Conservative Party was philosophically different from New Labour. He actually thought they would cut the size of the State. They're not going to do that. They're the same party as us. We're all socialists now. I'd even lead that sorry bunch if it weren't for their crap name. Conservatives - I mean for god's sake - what does that mean?"

"Frankly, I'd much rather work with a refined fellow like Howard Flight than that mass of selfishness they call Gordon Brown."

"Let's face it, no political party is going to cut this Leviathan State - it's got a life all of its own. If you were stupid enough to try and cut it back - not only would it eat you up; it would use your skeleton as a toothpick. So instead, New Labour plans to stay alive a little longer, and increase public spending by a further 3% a year over the next 5 years. Feed the beast I say. Stoke the fire."

"In wild contrast, the Tories say they'll increase public spending by 2% a year over the same period. And I believe them. Why wouldn't I? I certainly don't believe they're a courageous party. So where are the philosophical differences between us? Probably right next to Bigfoot."

"I'm just amazed that the private sector hasn't collapsed under the sheer weight of what I've got them carrying. And let me assure you; I won't relent until I can feel their knees buckling. Then I may consider stopping for just a moment, spend a few more pounds, and buy them some knee braces."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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