The government office desires and needs of the West London 'Wankers Party' (WLWP) has been boosted by Jeremy Paxman being nominated and accepting the role as leader of the latest warm and freshly squeezed juice into the political arena. Paxman, famous as a political attack dog because he can lick any opponent into submission as well as his ability to suck out the sticky issues is expected to ride up and down all over the other politically correct and erect leaders in the forth coming election.
Paxman, was brought up in Leeds and Worcestershire, attended Malvern Masturbatius College in his own Worcestershiresauce and then read 5 Knuckle Shuffle Hard Core Pornography at Pullius Pullius Squirtius College, Cambridge University. It is claimed that he developed his political tendencies during his teenage years but however, it was his exposure to the Cambridge elite that perfected his de-bagging and handling skills. He has been the Front man for BBC Newsnight since 1989 but is known to give a hand behind the scenes whenever possible.
Apart from the obvious central left and right handed theme to the new up and coming political party (it is a West London based movement), it is expected that their ideas will spray and spill all over all the Government offices if they get into thrusting power. Scottish chips will become part of the national menu as well as compulsory Glaswegian pronunciation lessons in all primary schools.
The Labour Party Press Office however, released the following statement "It is ridiculous that the West Londoners and Jeremy Paxman even suggest that they are the biggest ‘Wankers' around. Everybody knows that we are the biggest tossers that there have ever been in Government in this country, just look at all the cock-ups that we have publically made and we have no intention of letting everything go floppy just because there is a new dog with a cocky attitude on the block. We will pull harder and harder than ever before. Mr Blair had revealed that he had been "swept along" by the euphoria surrounding Labour's 1997 first group coming in a general election victory but is even more committed to seeing personally that every member of the party is being pulled and squeezed as hard as possible"
The Conservative leader, Michael Howard, blushed with embarrassment when asked if he thought that Jeremy Paxman would be the best PM for the country and then in that whingeing, pathetic voice, he admitted "We have never really been able to come outside into the public face, it looks like we will be playing with ourselves inside our own offices for the next 10 to 20 years."
The new political terror debate has led Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy to cancel a visit to his Welsh party conference when he was expected to come in front of everybody. Mr Kennedy had been due to show and tell his party that there would have been no no-go areas for the Lib Dems, and that they offer a "real alternative handshake" to Labour and the Conservatives but he had not expected such a radical alternative offering from the WLWP. The hard core Liberal Democrats are currently washing their hands of their old practices whilst they struggle to find and create some much stiffer concepts, alcohol is apparently still being blamed for some members being unable to stand up and function properly.
However, John Reid, The Secretary of State for Health has cautioned that the Chief Medical Officer and the NHS will never again sanction free glasses to the general public and that the general public do not have to follow the politicians hand wagging examples but rather they should just be themselves and they do not have to pretend to be or copy arrogant elitist hypocrites or Wankers.