Written by Monochrome

Thursday, 24 March 2005

image for "God is a Tory" Declares Howard
God Votes for Me

Conservative Party leader, Michael Howard says that he has found, "Incontrovertible evidence that God would vote Conservative."

Mr. Howard was addressing a meeting of the controversial, Christians Against Everything not Nice organisation when he revealed that new research has thrown doubt onto the conventional interpretation of The Bible.

"We in the Conservative Party have a divine right to rule the country. It's in The Bible!" Said a beaming Mr. Howard, "It's a sin against God for anyone not to vote Conservative! I demand that Tony Blair stands down and let's me take over immediately!"

Mr. Howard was asked how the news would affect the position of the established Church should he become Prime Minister and making a sign of the cross he replied, "Nothing will change for time being, religion is safe in our hands my children."

The research in question was undertaken by the independent, Society for Truth in Politics whose CEO, Dr. Helmut Mould led the team which made the startling discovery. Dr. Mould's team also announced that they had recently uncovered evidence which suggested that Baroness Thatcher "Could be the true Messiah." A spokesman for the Baroness said that she was unavailable to comment but a source close to Lady Thatcher has told us that upon hearing the news she has started to allow her closest confidants to kiss her ring.

Dr Mould established his reputation with his early works including the best selling books, Why The British Should Still Rule the World, The British Royal Family; Descended from God and State Education and Healthcare; What a Waste of Money. He denies having right wing tendencies and insists that the Society for Truth in Politics is completely independent and unbiased.

Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott was incensed by Mr. Howard's comments, "If that's what The Bible bloody says we'll bloody well change The Bible! I don't bloody care what that bloody slimy bloody Howard says anyway! I'll smack the tosser if he comes near me! Who'd bloody vote for him anyway? Even he was God!"

A government spokesman later denied that Mr. Prescott had made any comments on the matter and said that in any case, the government could take no responsibility for Mr. Prescott's private opinions. He went on to say that the government would make an official announcement later when they had given the comments due consideration.

Charles Kennedy of the Liberal Democrats said, "Well, our aim is to be the Official Opposition so I don't think this really makes any difference to us does it?" When asked how he would feel about being the Official Opposition to the party of God, Mr. Kennedy said, "I think we should give the dark side a chance to put their views across. No-one can be all bad can they?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Vote, Conservative

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