Blue States break up with Red States with cheap, cowardly 'Dear John' letter

Written by Chris Ebert

Tuesday, 9 November 2004

image for Blue States break up with Red States with cheap, cowardly 'Dear John' letter
Artists conception of the Blue States struggling over whether to break up with the Red States in person or with a letter...

The so-called "Red States" which supported George W. Bush and the Neo-Conservative Agenda returned home to find the "Blue States" had ended their long relationship with a simple Dear John letter.

Friends of the Red States said they were too heart-broken to comment, but, the text of the note was given to the Associated Press. What follows is that note, unedited:

Dear Red States,

We've had a good 220 some years together, and you'll always be special to us, but, let's not beat around the Bush. We need to break up. This just isn't working out for either of us. 140 years ago when you wanted to break up, and we fought so hard to keep you, maybe we were being a little selfish. Now we think you were right... Like they say, if you love something, let it go free. So you're free now, Red States.

We'll always care about you, but we just can't get the image of you and the Church out of our heads. You promised us you and the Church had separated, and you weren't going to see it anymore. That was a promise you didn't keep....

We fell in union once, and, now, I hate to say it, we've fallen out of union with you.

You really have something going on with Iraq there, and, we think once we split up, you can explore it fully. We know you never thought of yourself as facist-sexual, but, you need to admit to yourself you are at least facist-curious. But, its just not something we can do with you.

We need to go our separate ways. But we wish you all the luck in the world...

No, we're not seeing anyone else yet, but, aw hell, we could never lie to you. We are meeting Canada for dinner and a movie on Friday. No, don't be so paranoid. We're not thinking of getting back together with the UK. At least, not yet...

We need to be by ourselves for awhile, and just spend time with our friends. You've really alienated alot of our old friends, Red States, with some of your recent antics. We have to say, we are embarrassed to have been with you.

No, we've heard your promises about legitimate, unmanipulated elections before. And, its too little too late..

I realize we've been supporting you financially for awhile, but, that's all gonna change. You're just gonna have to pick up those want ads, and go get your own economic infrastructure. It'll do you some good. It'll build your self-esteem up a little.

No, we're not worried about a terror attack with you gone. Once we've split up, that'll be your problem. Oh, well, its not really a problem for you either is it? I mean, you don't have any buildings tall enough for anyone to hit with planes, do you?

Now we need to talk about division of mutual property. We'll let you keep the theocracy, Iraq, Afghanistan, and ire of the rest of the civilized world. You worked really hard for those, and, we just wouldn't feel right taking them from you. And, you can keep that little Bush you love so much too!

While you can still have your own portion of the military, all nuclear, high tech, high end weaponry will be ours. I mean, first off you might hurt yourself or someone else with it. Secondly, we are the ones who made it for you and we know how it works. I mean, you've got your creationism. We wouldn't want anything sitting around that would make you sad by reminding you of us, and our annoying science and reason. So we'll take all that stuff.

Besides all our blue states and all the major cities, we get the following liberal areas. We get Vegas, Atlanta, New Orleans, and all other isolated liberal or artistic cities or "dens of sin" you wouldn't want anyway. Parts of Southern Florida, And all the liberal, New-agey portions of Arizona and New Mexico. The desert's cool, so, we'll need to share some of that. Also, you can have Colorado, but, we want Aspen, and some of the Rocky Mountains. Just the parts that you wouldn't want, you know, with those sinful resort towns in them. We'll have to talk about Chicago, later...

Now, c'mon, even when that stuff was at your place, you always new it was ours.

You have to come get your born again Christian extremists that you left at our our place. Either move them to your place, or, if you leave them here, then we're gonna put them in storage with the Branch Davidians and the UFO cults.

Now that we've split up, we have to be honest with you and tell you the Born Again/ Moral Majority world view makes about as much sense as, well, shamanism. Although, it really lacks the charm of shamanism. It was pillow talk when we said we respected it and thought of it is a legitimate mindset.

You might really wanna work on that for your own sake.

Wow, it felt good to say all that and get it off our chests. Well, we were never ones for long good-byes. Take care of your self, Red States. And by the way. Its not about us at all, its completely about you....

Thanks for the Memories,


The Blue States

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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