The government has developed a 'tidiness' grading system similar to how wind strength is measured at sea.
A home office minister explained "F1 is utterly benign and pretty rare, F4 to F8 is typical say in autumn, and F12 is terrifying and dangerous."
For example, according to the home office report, an F1 kitchen table would be clean enough for open heart surgery or growing human ears on mice. At F1, you won't see a single particle of dust in the room. Also you'll need sunglasses to look at the bathroom and wear a hairnet to watch TV in the lounge.
F4 is a typical family home with a woman in charge. Things get spilt and puked up but mess levels are acutely monitored and corrected with the appropriate cleaning products and nice smelling 'things'. Once a week an immigrant might pop in to help.
F8 is a residence with a straight man 'in charge' or at least 'responsive'. The mess created is more likely to be recycleable cans and microwave containers. Anything else is tackled with washing up liquid but if it doesn't work or a serious smell lingers, a woman of some variety may need to be called for advice or service.
F12's are the kind of homes you see on Crimewatch. Animal carcasses, toilet fragments, drug factories or bird nests should be 'par for the course'.
