Lamplugh killer Derrick Bird killed local estate agent

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Friday, 4 June 2010


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At the Hardnutt Pass scene of Bird's own suicide

Cumbria - (MDMA Mess): Detectives were today tracing the 'E'-shaped trail taken by deranged Cumbria cabbie Derrick Bird's path of carnage.

Starting with the fatal shooting of twin brother David at High Trees farm in Lamplugh the rampaging killer also struck Frizington solicitor Joseph Commons, Egremont mole-catcher Isaac Dixon and Seascale estate agent Jamie Clark.

His own shotgun suicide at Hardnutt (sic) Pass near Boot woodland brought the eventual gruesome tally to thirteen.

Media sources have noted a spooky resemblance with the questionmark-shaped trek of James Joyce's Ulysses hero Leopold Bloom - whose somewhat drunken schlep through Dublin in the highly regarded 1922 novel continues to baffle.

Cumbria police however stressed this afternoon that the 'E'-shape path was purely coincidental and that Bird had not injested any of the entactogenic party drug Ecstasy, commonly known as 'E'.

London estate agent Suzy Lamplush vanished in 1986 after a rendezvous with mystery client Mr Kipper.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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