The Queen is Dead Boys, and it's so lonely on local Radio

Funny story written by Bill Licks

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

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Dead funny

A DJ who made a joke about Queen Elizabeth II popping her clogs is surprised it has attracted so much publicity. Danny Kelly who works for a radio station in the West Midlands is sorry if it offended anyone but is delighted that someone was actually listening to his show.

Kelly, a 39 year old bald bloke with a perfect face for radio has presented his light hearted afternoon show for several years now and believed he could count the number of listeners on the fingers of one hand. These included his mother, an ex girlfriend and two of his mates who he paid to phone up whenever he ran an exciting competition.

His mother is thought to be his biggest fan and never misses a moment of his shows except when she pops down the shops for a pint of milk or goes to the Bingo with Gladys from number 23. It's at these moments when he knows his Mum isn't listening that Kelly likes to drop in a controversial joke or two usually announcing the pretend deaths of famous people.

So far this year he has allegedly told listeners about the 'sudden deaths' of Wayne Rooney, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Keith Harris, Moira Stewart, Alan Sugar, David Cameron, Dappy from N'Dubz, Peter Purvis, Barbara Windsor, and Barack Obama whilst he played the American national anthem by hitting some steel drums with a dead cat.

Other stunts he has allegedly pulled include; presenting the show naked whilst he rocked backwards and forwards on his chair with his head on his knees; dressing up as Lady Gaga whilst repeating the words 'RED RUM' in a Scottish accent for 2 hours; and perhaps most controversial of all, going on holiday for a week and not telling anyone so each show was broadcast in complete silence.

Kelly would love to know the identity of the listener who was offended by his dead Queen joke and is offering a reward for information about the mystery moaner. So if you want the chance to co-host his show for a whole week and spend a week in Birmingham in 5 star accommodation (The Pull-Out Sofa Suite at Chez Kelly) then tune in to 97.3 Tumbleweed FM and give him a call when you hear the secret code word 'Please call me.... somebody.... anybody out there..... OH great there's the phone...... HELLO YOU'RE ON TUMBLEWEED FM PLEASE DON'T MENTION THE QUEEN........ Oh Mother, don't call me now I'm at work, you know? on the radio?........Yes I know I asked the listeners to call me but other listeners not you...... Of course I love it when you call me I was just hoping someone else would call........No not that bitch, I haven't spoken to her for weeks and I doubt she listens anymore anyway.......I don't care if you saw her the other day...... Was she on her own or with someone?....What did he look like?........ He had hair? She's changed. She used to tell me there was nothing wrong with premature baldness. She said she thought all bald men were sexy....... What do you mean he was quite good looking? Are you saying I'm not?..... Don't try and backtrack now mother the damage is done. I'm just going off air for a few minutes..... TO KILL MYSELF.....Goodbye'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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