Written by The Medium Cheese

Friday, 14 May 2010

image for Things Set To Get Much Worse

A National Audit Commission report reveals that things have been steadily bad over the last few years, but have started to get worse since 2008.

The report, commissioned by Harold Wilson's government during the troubles of 1974, is itself quite bad, having suffered innumerable setbacks and delays caused by things going wrong. But the NAO's predictions are that recent times give us glimpse of how bad things will be in the future.

During the next five years, things in general will decline to be between three and five times worse than they are presently. Just some examples of the gloomy future predicted by the NAO's researchers include:

- several people dying
- many more being injured on a daily basis
- the equivalent of 40,000 loaves of bread being wasted in toast-burning incidents
- Countless children's pets becoming ill

The long range prediction is much more pessimistic, however, indicating that by 2110, more than 90 percent of the present population will have been wiped out and replaced by a new race of "descendants". No-one is able to say what this race will be like, but it seems many people are already resigned to the idea, some even making it happen.

One chapter concerns the possibility of a massive asteroid hitting the earth, the earth spontaneously exploding, The sun going out, and being faced with the sort of weather found on Jupiter or Venus. Research for this chapter was said to include watching the Discovery Channel. Another chapter considers the possibility of all these things happening on the same day. All these things were covered in recently aired TV documentaries, and so they must be possible, the report says.

We asked the new coalition government if they had any plans to try and stop things getting so bad, but they said they were too busy trying to make things better.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: life

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