The NeoMetro - April 2010

Written by Frank Michaels

Friday, 9 April 2010


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Urban decay at its finest!

Hello to all my fellow loft dwellers and flat lifers! Has the NeoMetro got a sweet tweet for you this week!

We all know how much you love strutting around the apartment in a state of undress, right? Well, if you are anything like me, then you also know the importance of having reliable locks on your doors while still having those nearly invisible curtains that can be so easily seen through from the next building!

Urban existence is just unsustainable without these most basic of necessities.

Well, the good news here is that you can have all of this and still afford your daily $9 cup of expresso, too. That's because our good friends at Loft Depot are now stocking the entire designer line of Hanjop's up-town home hardware.

That's right! Hanjop has a reputation for quality, cost and discretion, meaning you can get that titanium door security kit, the ultra-sheer window drapes and the beanbag gun, all packaged in a plain brown wrapper for under $2800!

So, before you once again dance naked for your neighbors to the soulful tunes of Frizzy Kitty, be sure to visit your nearest Loft Depot and shout obscenities at the clerk until they give you the Hanjop!

Oh, and before I forget, Groper Joe Imports has announced that they will be holding an open house the whole week of the 19th for anyone who is shopping for some new S&M and/or bondage goods.

But, that's not all!

There will be a nightly decadence disco, as well a live display of some of the new dungeon/torture items coming in from Russia. And all of this is not even mentioning their regular body carving and puncture services!


Well, that's it for now.
Until next time, remember to scratch it, sniff it, and if you can't lick it, just piss on it!


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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