Jack Tweed found not guilty of doing anything

Written by Bill Licks

Monday, 26 April 2010

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Tweed outside court today

The widow of the late Jade Goody was found not guilty in court today of doing anything worthwhile or interesting.

Jack Tweed or Jack Shit as he's probably not known to his friends walked free from Snaresbrook Crown Court and was looking forward to spending the rest of the day scratching his arse, picking his nose and existing.

He was wrongly accused by a 19 year old woman of doing something but insufficient evidence helped the jury arrive at their unanimous decision of not guilty.

The woman said she had met Tweed in a nightclub and then went back to his apartment where she claimed he put a key in his front door to unlock it, uttered two words in a row - one of more than one syllable - and breathed.

She even claimed he might have wiped his own arse after taking a crap but wasn't sure as he still had his pants around his ankles when he walked out of the toilet.

The solicitor representing Tweed called the accusations 'scurrilous lies' as he stood outside the court after the verdict and admitted no one in their right minds would have believed Tweed capable of doing such demanding activities.

Tweed showed his delight by adjusting his sunglasses, sniffing and standing still for five minutes before he was enticed into the back of van by a trail of bananas and driven away to a monkey sanctuary in Dorset where he will spend the rest of his days.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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