Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson sensationally announced last night that he was quitting chewing gum during matches.
The legendary football boss said "Recently things have been getting me down. I decided to reassess my life. I don't really like the gum. It was just a habit. A bit like picking John O'Shea. I like the gum in Europe. They even have watermelon flavour! I'm not going to Europe for quite some time. Now I think that I will just have to make do with the half time lemon, or Mike Phelan, as I call it."
Ferguson's quit announcement caused panic in Manchester. Kulbir Singh, a local newsagent spoke for many in the industry when he said "If the kids follow his lead we will be ruined. I wish Sir Alex would reconsider."
Ferguson is not the first high profile manager to make such an announcement. Sam Allardyce quit having a mustache, Harry Redknapp is rumoured to have quit paying tax (although he denies the allegations) and Ron Atkinson quit making racist remarks.
Manchester United are said to be considering employing a foreign gum chewer to replace Ferguson. An appointment is expected to be made soon.
