The Labour Party is to sponsor a flea circus to try and improve its tarnished image with the British public and desperately cling on to power.
Titled 'Far-Out Fred's Insectivous Menagerie of Wonder Sponsored by Labour' the circus is to tour major cities with performers donated by some of the party's most senior members.
Harriet Harman has collected fleas from her pedigree Burmese cats, John Prescott has given a woodlouse from underneath his kitchen carpet and Lord Mandelson has donated five prime pubic lice from an unknown source.
The animals were to perform in scenes depicting Labour's greatest triumphs in 13 years of office.
But the owner Mr Frederick Far-Out, said the insects would now perform their more traditional stunts after no script material was forthcoming.
'All the members of the troupe really do have amazing skills and talents,' he said, removing one insect from a matchbox, or 'slide drawer stable' as Mr Far-Out prefers to call them.
'Take Algernon here, the common flea, or Itchyheadon, to quote its Latin name. He will be riding a miniature motorcycle through a hoop of real fire and sawing the lady earwig in half - both feats few human beings could manage.
'A prestige event like this will really help lift the poor opinion people have of the Labour Party at the moment.'
Mr Far-Out said the highlight of the show will be when David, a louse donated by Lord Mandelson, uses one of the business secretary's moulted pubic hairs as an impromptu skipping rope.
'I am confident most people will never have seen anything quite like it.' Mr Far-Out added.
Party members will hoping the flea circus will not be a repeat of the 1979 publicity drive when Labour last bankrupted Britain.
A live budgerigar show compered by 'Freddy 'Parrot Face' Davies, in which live birds flew out of the entertainer's flies was described as 'slightly banal.'
Three of the birds later had to be destoyed.
