Bad Outbreak of Delhi Belly in London

Funny story written by matwil

Thursday, 11 February 2010

image for Bad Outbreak of Delhi Belly in London
That satire went down the wrong way

A bad outbreak of dissentary mixed up with e-coli and alexsalmonella happened today in West London, and health and safety officials quickly traced it to The Bengal Lancer restaurant in Southall.

The illness - nicknamed 'Delhi belly' due to the unpredictable side effects of eating curries on people unused to them - has meant hundreds of people have had to take time off work, buying the only medication capable of reducing the symptoms, Old Stella Foster's XXXX Kangaroo Juice.

'This is rather a serious case', local doctor Rajiv Singh admitted from The Dodgy Samosa bar in Southall's High Street, 'my hospital has had many calls from alarmed residents about it but there is no need to panic. As long as people avoid nuts -

and especially the dangerous lahkvinder ones imported from India, then there is little risk. But I wouldn't recommend getting engaged to a lahkvinder nut! That may lead to an even worse dose of Delhi belly than has broken out today!'

And from local life insurance firm Aconite, Arsenic and Weedkiller the manageress there - a Miss Tikka Masala Chunder - added: 'We generally refuse to give policies to people who aren't mature and sensible enough to tell the difference between a bowl of sag aloo and pilau rice and a bowl of rat poison and polonium with a couple of potatoes thrown in it that glows in your fridge. And we most certainly refuse life cover for someone who carries on eating the poisoned food for half an hour after noticing it tastes very strange.'

Southall Council leader Mrs. Bhuna Chappati said: 'And you thought people from the Indian Subcontinent were immune to such stomach upsets!', taking a sip of Darjeeling tea. 'But even we get the runs now and then, especially after one of The Bengal Lancer's Chicken Vindaloos!'

And passing council staff cook Miss Rosemary Bayleaf added 'Listen mate, when it's curry day 'ere at the council offices I usually bungs a bit of biological washing powder into the pot, gives it a bit of a kick, dunnit.'

And here is today's local Council lunch menu:

'choose from:


Roast Death's Head Mushroom Soup
Wild Toadstool Pate on Out of Date Mouldy French Bread
Irradiated Beluga Caviar in a Homemadeov Vodka Sauce

Main Course

Spaghetti Polonaise
Beef a la Pied et Mouche avec le Weedquilleur
Quiche Chernobille served with a Wildly Poisonous Greek Side Salad with Karfume Athenikos cheese


Tipsy Summer Pudding with Absinthe
Chocolate Pudding with Chef's Spittle and Fingernail Dirt and Soured Cream
Strawberry Ice Cream that has been Melted and Refrozen

optionally followed by:

Cheese and Biscuits Half-Eaten by Rats in the Kitchen
Diptheria Liqueurs
Chocolates Made by Slaves with Leprosy in Somalia'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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