London - (Ass Mess): The Royal Irish State Coach barely made it up Constitution Hill this morning at the combined 60-stone weight of Mr and Mrs Jacob Zuma's corpulent arses parked on its historic livery ahead of an official lunch at Buckingham Palace.
The floors of the palace Guest Wing have already been reinforced with tungsten supports and footmen warned to use tasers and CS gas in case of any dangerous or unexpected shenanigans.
"The problem is Thobeka Mabiba Zuma," Lord Chamberlain the Lord Luce-Cannon explained to worried palace staff.
"Her voracious carnal appetite for all things tasty means she's ballooned to over 30 stone!
"If she sneaks out after midnight to the royal private quarters she could end up, er, suffocating the Duke of Edinburgh!"
A 100 yard exclusion zone has been established around the palace Guest Suite in which the Zumas will be free to roam.
All the valuables like priceless 17th century candelabras, silver candlesticks, works of art etc, have been nailed down or replaced with cheap copies from Argos.
And a team of former London Zoo specialists in blow-dart anaesthetics is on standby in case trouble erupts during the Zumas stay.
Tomorrow the couple will throw a lavish banquet at South Africa House as a return match for Wednesday night's official state dinner.
A spokesperson for Lararses Anonymous said today the current Mrs Zuma (wife No 5) would present a major challenge if ever she joined their abstinence program.
Susan Boyle is 19st 7lbs.
