London - (Get-a-Grip): Desperately trying to emulate an already threadbare Michael Jackson routine vapid nonentity Cheryl Cole dazzled (sic) with a flaccid mimed performance at the Brits last night.
Even if it had been a lip-synch contest La Cole would have only scored a D-minus as the lyrics of her daftass No 1 hit single Fright for this Love failed to ignite any spark of talent.
A pointlessly crap scraped-back hair-do was at least mercifully camouflaged in the act's second half by hooded leotard.
Faux Ray-Bans completed the gormless wannabe somebody look that some aspiring Brits stylist was paid a small fortune to create.
But no amount of flanking by six-pack bare-chested Kanye West lookalikes could disguise the midget-sized talent that lurks beneath Cheryl's thin veneer of celebrity.
Lady Gaga is partially brain dead.
