London - (Non-Ass Mess): National statistics released today say that more than a quarter of women aged 35+ 'never' have sex, twenty-eight per cent are abstinent and 38 per cent are celibate.
"The further North you go the less women are having sex," Prof V Smart of the Erotic Audit Office commented today, "although I suspect that a woman living at 55 Acacia Avenue, Scunthorpe, probably had an orgasm less than one hour ago."
Other slags however have reported some sexual activities with those who are childfree having more orgasms.
Up to 41 per cent said they got pulsating flutters when leaning up against the spin dryer, sitting near the engine seat on the No 253 to Camden or from handjobs in the privacy of their own conservatories.
Those figures dropped to 12 per cent for women with one child and 14 per cent of those with more.
On the multiple orgasm front 67 per cent of those working part time reported orgasms most or all of the time in the stimulating atmosphere of the orifice broom cupboard, cloakroom or stationery store etc.
Compared with 55 per cent of women working full time the quality, duration and intensity of orgasm varied significantly between those using artificial stimulants such as alcohol, narcotics and/or fetish items 'such as husbands/boyfriends.'
The survey also noted a lot of women admitted to violent mood swings at the time of the month with 99 per cent of those aged 35 to 44 blaming dumbnass personal questions about their lovelives as the biggest cause.