Diana: Queen of Hearts still dead

Funny story written by Football mole

Thursday, 3 December 2009

image for Diana: Queen of Hearts still dead
Some milk yesterday

Princess Diana remains stone dead this week but continues to make the occasional headline during periods when nothing much happens.

One of the knock-on consequences of this revelation is that newspaper editors are now exposed as being nothing more than peddlers of cheap trivia and celebrity tittle-tattle.

While this comes as no surprise, a secretly recorded meeting with a well-known tabloid editor lays bare the working ethos of the average daily news digest.

He said: "It all started with a slow news day in 2001 but then we noticed just how empty peoples' lives were and how it correlated with the rising tide of celebrity gossip rags.

"We'd have been idiots not to jump on the band wagon."

He went on to explain how Princess Diana was "tabloid gold" and since she "head-butted that road tunnel" it was down to "Z-list arseholes like Amy Winehouse's dad and Jade f***ing Goody" to enthrall and fascinate their readership.

Meanwhile, Jordan - real name Katy Price - was seen buying a carton of milk from her local supermarket yesterday. Observers were divided last night as to whether 52GG glamour model and media whore would use it with tea or coffee.

Some went as far as to suggest that she may add some to bowl of cereal and then eat it for her breakfast.

But critics of this opinion have put forward the supposition that if the cereal theory was correct, then surely she would run out of milk quite quickly and would have to return to the shops to purchase more.

Professor Ralph Despair 16, from the media studies centre at Oxford University told us: "Quite frankly, it is utter nonsense to suggest that Jordan - real name Katy Price - would buy a single carton of milk for use with cereal. If it were the case, she would have bought a larger carton or at least two of the smaller ones."

As the debate rages on, the Sun newspaper is preparing a 32-page full colour supplement which will reveal if the milk in question was full fat, semi-skimmed or that useless coloured water type stuff.

The pull-out-and-keep guide will be published this Saturday and will also contain earth-shattering claims by some vacuous, brain-dead blonde who used to go out with someone who used to be in the EastEnders or something.

Three soldiers died in Afghanistan this week, the Middle East remains unstable and a six-mile wide meteor has turned Los Angeles into a hole in the ground.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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