'Hollowed-out toddlers used as drug mules' say London police

Funny story written by raouldukecommando

Thursday, 26 November 2009

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How long has this been going on?

New evidence suggests children as young as three are being hollowed out by pushers and turned into 'mules', transporting vast quantities of drugs across South London, say Met police.

Evidence from drug busts and the testimonies of gang members show that the children are lured to houses by promises of sweets and kittens, clubbed to unconciousness and then 'emptied' and stuffed full of Heroin.

DI Stuartson explained at a press conference that druglords think that no-one would stop a toddler in the street. 'They look so innocent, but one child could have a street value of £3 million.' The toddlers are animated by the careful positioning of trained rats, themselves on Ketamine, who mimic the movement of children so as not as to draw attention.

Kim Killick, a spokesperson from the RSPCA, said 'The toddlers are treated appallingly, but the rats suffer, too.'

A joint campaign in time for Christmas has been launched, fronted by Cheryl Cole, to protect both toddlers and rats from the barbarity of druglords. Jedward have re-recorded the standard 'I've Got You Under My Skin' in aid of the charity. Finally, there will be a minute's silence during this week's X Factor to remember the victims of this terrible crime, with film of toddlers slowed down to one frame every 3 seconds to re-inforce the horror and sadness involved.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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