London - (Greatful Dead Sea Scrolls Stuff): A new decoding of the Synaptic Gospels spells doom for the 11/11/9 Armistice Day floorshow this Wednesday.
Old Mrs Ratzinger must finally pop her fetid clogs for Third Secret of Fatty Ma fans to be taken unto the Rapture.
Myocardial infarction, sudden dropping dead syndrome and/or terminal halitosis would all rank as completing the prophecy.
Only such a complete atonement for the Nazis and Jade Goody and JK Rowling can bring salvation to the world, mind.
At the London HQ of the Hellfire Club this week the big money's been on a pal of Prince Harry's slipping HM a mickey fin of arsenic and old plaice.
"That way the old trout will kick the bucket as if it was just from natural causes - like madness, old age and/or delusions of monarchy," Hellfire grand master Dr Rowan Williams said today.
Susan Boil is 69.