Today we can reveal the shocking truth. Our undercover reporter, Tony Bumgoblin, has uncovered the dreadful treatment of the nation's memorials.
"I watched from a secluded position as the memorial was continuously defecated upon. Not just once or twice, but hundreds of times. Is this the way we should remember our war dead?"
We now call upon the Government to take action against those who think it is ok to shit on our memorials. It is time that the Government announced a pigeon cull. These dirty feathered bastards have got away with it once too often.
Recently the nation's students rallied round and attempted to hose the memorials down. We are proud of the way our young responded. If only the Government could follow such a noble example. It's time to get tough on bird shit, tough on the causes of bird shit.
Before animal rights protesters start to panic, we are not talking about the noble carrier pigeon, many of whom gallantly gave their lives in two world wars. We refer to the vermin who populate our cities.
Nelson must be turning in his grave, or would be but with one leg such a maneuver is rather difficult.
