In a bid to save the indigenous red squirrel the government is asking us to kill any grey squirrel we should happen to see. Gangs of unemployed youths are being taken to wooded areas with instructions to club all grey squirrels to death.
Minister for Killing Small Animals, Lord Bragg, said "This government is totally committed to the massacre of grey squirrels. If we are to see lovely little red squirrels on programs like Countryfile then first we've got to kill all the grey ones."
Now every two weeks when they sign on the unemployed will be asked "Have you killed any grey squirrels in the last two weeks? Have you tried to kill any grey squirrels in the last two weeks?" Benefits will be cut if satisfactory answers are not given.
The government has also announced plans to use grey squirrel fur in place of ermine in the robes of newly created Peers. The first such Lord is expected to be named, just as soon as they make their donation to the Labour Party.
Meanwhile, John Craven, presenter of Countryfile, has come out in support of the government. "The red squirrel is a symbol of Britain. We need to help it survive. And after a long day filming the opportunity to unwind with a baseball bat is too good to miss."