A team of top scientists at University College Nowhere has concluded that the act of urination directly causes the amount of alcohol in the bloodstream to fall.
In the five year study, researchers visited a range of pubs each lunchtime drinking a specially designed cocktail of lager, bitter, gin, vodka, whiskey, and cider. The results were closely monitored.
The scientists concluded that there is a strong link between the amount of alcohol consumed and how drunk they became. "It appears that the more you drink the more arseholed you get," a spokesman for the group revealed. "In the course of some experiments we got properly fucking hammered."
He went on to reveal further groundbreaking work."Our studies also showed that after a good session, the concentration of alcohol in the blood falls. This occurs at the same time as you are going for a slash. The causality is clear. Going for a piss sobers you up."
Charles Kennedy, the Liberal Democrats arseholed spokesman on Getting Arseholed confirmed the conclusions. "It is true," he stammered. "I did a hell of a lot of similar research. I just couldn't piss fast enough to keep up."
David Cameron claimed that the government policy of closing public toilets in town centres because they stink, was fuelling the violence that blights towns across the country. "If you are properly fucking arseholed you need a piss. Labour have slashed the number of loos available to shitfaced hardworking taxpayers." he added. He also said "twat" again.
