Blair sounds ‘Last Post' over British armed forces

Funny story written by Harry Porter

Thursday, 22 July 2004

image for Blair sounds ‘Last Post' over British armed forces
'Oh, thanks for that by the way.'

Prime Minister Tony Blair has ensured Britain will never again be drawn into a situation like Iraq - by effectively disbanding the UK's armed forces.

Defence Minister Geoff Hoon's swingeing defence cuts are Britain's response to the continuing spread of terrorism, with ground forces now seen as virtually obsolete and unnecessary - except in Iraq where the death toll of these unnecessary servicemen continues to rise.

The UK is now going to concentrate on hi-tech military solutions. Inside sources reveal this may include efforts to create non-political, ‘credible intelligence'.

The news has, of course, been greeted with delight by many bereaved parents whose sons paid the ultimate sacrifice in the on-going Iraqi conflict.

Jean McAllister, mother of 18-year-old Alastair who was killed on patrol last month, said: "We didn't really believe in the war and, of course, we've since heard there wasn't a case for going to war in the first place.

"Then Alastair was killed and now Mr Blair and Mr Hoon say his regiment is surplus to requirements.

"That's a huge comfort and I have immense pride that my son, now deemed surplus to requirements, died needlessly in a pointless and unjustified war."

Britain's armed forces were stretched to the limit when rapidly deployed to Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq, with the action in the Middle East required to combat state-sponsored terrorism.

That threat has now, apparently, evaporated as a Downing Street spokesman explained.

"The Taliban in Afghanistan was promoting terrorism, especially Al Qaeda. Unfortunately, all the terrorists went and hid in the mountains so we couldn't prove that," he said.

"But Iraq was an even more cut and dried case.

"Not only did we know, believe, think, suspect, suggest and hint that Saddam had huge stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, he was also supporting, or at least had heard of, Al Qaeda and a host of other terrorist organisations. One day we will be able to prove that too.

"But these terrorists now seem to have got out of the Middle East and are all over the place so we're adopting a change of tactics which we hope will confuse them - if we can't find them, we'll make it difficult for them to find us, except in Iraq of course."

Footnote: The restructuring of the UK's armed forced will dismantle the tired 350-year tradition where national interest always took precedence over political interest. The most costly part of Britain's military strategy, certainly in terms of human suffering, is estimated to be Mr Blair who is, apparently, not to be de-commissioned.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more