General Sir David Richards has pledged to focus on the defence of the United Kingdom, as he takes over the post as head of the British Army.
'It will be no easy task', he said, 'as we must use all of our resources to fight back against the almost suicidal attacks on Britain by Afghans and Iraqi insurgents that have been happening every week over the last few years.'
'People are our most important resource, so I guarantee that extra battalions will be stationed in Dover and Folkestone to combat the Taleban commando assaults that have inflicted so much damage on those south-eastern English towns'
'And the Special American-run Service (SAS) will be withdrawn from fighting for American oil companies in the Middle East to help the East Anglian defences against the Iraqi snipers that have killed so many civilians there. Though it's not easy to take out such snipers, when they are firing at English civilians from over three thousand miles away. We must get hold of some of their incredibly powerful rifle sights!'
General Richards has extensive experience of defending Britain from attacks by Sierra Leone and East Timor. 'That time when the East Timor Air Force bombed Harrogate Waterworks and then dropped parachutists to attack Mrs. Braithwaite's Tea Shoppe was a decisive battle,
and showed that the millions of pounds the government has invested in the UK's military forces have not just been a waste of time and money to send poorly trained and equipped new recruits to go and die for American oil companies and opium suppliers. And when the Queen's Own Illegal Occupiers returned from Iraq to defend Little Mistlethrough-under-Bilgewater from an assault by the fanatical Taleban Water Pistol Regiment, it was no wet picnic, I can tell you!'
But one sceptical commentator suggested that in 2009 there was no need for Britain to have an army to defend itself any more. 'Well, there isn't, is there?', Paul Athlete-Foot of The Daily Wail said. 'With peace now in Western Europe and the fall of the Soviet Union, who is going to attack the UK? And even if anyone did, the Royal Navy and the Royal Air Force are Britain's defenders, not the army. And we have a certain massive nuclear deterrent, in case anyone had forgotten about it.'
'The army is now just a waste of billions of pounds, to send poorly trained and equipped soldiers to go and die for American oil companies and opium suppliers in the Middle East. To give the Americans the propaganda that the British support their illegal attacks on and occupations of Iraq and parts of Afghanistan. They don't. The government should be spending that wasted money on the NHS and schools, and telling the Yanks to go and lose their own wars without us. They've plenty of experience!'
General Richards will continue to give waffly American-style press conferences to spout empty meaningless cliches about 'successful agendas' and 'deploying resources' and 'achieving goals' - when the British Army is simply in the Middles East with the Americans to help destabilise regimes, so that the West can get its hands on plenty of their oil and opium.
And to make sure that Israel can remain as a safe base for the Western soldiers if needed, all at the price of turning once stable Muslim countries into a nightmare of terrorism and guerrilla warfare for the innocent civilians living there. Hardly in the tradition of the heroism and bravery that the British Army has shown for hundreds of years, is it?
The Duke of Wellington and Field Marshall Montgomery are now turning in their graves. General Sir David Richards should take a vow of silence, and get on with the shameful use of his soldiers in making the Muslim world a living hell to steal their oil and opium, without pretending he's doing anything else.
