Following a landmark ruling today, in which the High Court ruled that Article Two of the Human Rights Act applies to soldiers on the battlefield, the Ministry of Defence has ordered a radical rethink of equipment and weaponry to be issued to British forces serving in Afghanistan.
By ruling that serving soldiers on the battlefield are subject to the Act, and specifically that they retain the Right to Life, the British legal profession has made it illegal for anyone to be killed in battle any more.
A spokesman for the MoD said, "obviously this new ruling means that we must completely redesign the armaments issued to British forces serving in combat zones, to ensure that no combatants are killed in future wars. As a result, all units currently serving in Hellmand Province are to have their current-issue SA80 Mk II rifle withdrawn from service, and this is to be replaced with a paintball gun with immediate effect."
He added, "clearly the issue bayonet is also a no-no - you could have someone's eye out with that. Therefore, we will be starting a new procurement process to find a non-lethal alternative to the bayonet for hand-to-hand combat. At present, we are investigating the possible benefits of a feather duster 'tickling stick', which is undergoing trials with the 2nd Battalion, the Parachute Regiment pending a wider rollout."
Reports that the Royal Air Force are to replace their air-to-ground missiles with 'Nerf Darts' remain unconfirmed.
A spokesman for the Taliban fighters in Hellmand Province said they would review the Court ruling, and would seek legal advice on whether the Human Rights Act applied to infidels.