The British Navy, at the request of the Russian Government has despatched its secret weapon - "Thor Longknob" aka Noel Thomas, Gatwick's most feared Viking re-enactor to hunt down and kill the Swedish pirates operating in the English Channel.
Longknob's dreaded low slung viking battle ship "The Thrusting Helmet" is being satellite tracked by the Admiralty and has already been observed ransacking and pillaging French, Portuguese and Spanish fishing fleets in a practice operation.
"Thor's Helmet" as the crew lovingly call it is currently moored off Calais where the crew have been resupplying with fags, booze and other essentials for the arduous journey ahead.
"Longknob", told me in an exclusive interview that he'll be relying on his hand picked crew to keep up the pace and I wasn't permitted to pass by "Thor's Helmet" without giving it a firm rub for luck!
His "crew" consists of an eclectic mix with colourful characters such as "Derek the Pig Farmer", "Big Dave Bayham", "Little Gaz", "Gerry the Infidel", "Stout Joy Flackster", "Matt the Snake", "Dickie Domehead", Gwylliam the Pernicious, "Imran the floater", "Shady Shahid Ahmad"(or the Thirteenth Warrior as he likes to be called) and "Limping John the claw".
At the front of the ship is "The Helmet's" beloved figurehead modelled on a Viking Queen called "Jane".
Legendary Queen Jane ruled the "Isle of Dykes" with an iron fist. She is eternally famed for both her protecting spirit and rousing battle cry, "Yaw Gawjuss"!
This fearsome lady warrior once kicked an Anglo Saxon intruder to death.The young warrior, carried away with his own importance and wearing the Trademark "Cocked Hat" (worn to mock older married warriors who perspired beneath the weight of "The Iron Maiden", a heavyweight helmet designed to show the fidelity of the married warrior)known only as "Asbo what had an Attention Order Deficit Disorder" was killed when he attempted to lay siege to her castle, "Bower's Towers"
Bringing up the rear in a supporting role will be "Gay Martin the Gobbler" who is looking forward to be being located deep in "Camp Chad".
Dealing with the Pirates that've stolen a ship full of special wood belonging to one Vladimir "Iron Man" Putin is the mission and "Longknob" has vowed to batter the culprits so badly they'll look like something a Scottish chippie has cooked!
