University places are to be made available to the entire population of the UK,according to a leading Government spokesman today.
Sixty million places have been created and applications will be welcomed from tomorrow. It is expected that, in order to massage unemployment figures, every man, woman, and child in the country will have to attend University for the next three years, attendance being compulsory.
The news has been welcomed by otherwise bone idle and good for absolutely nothing student representatives, who claim that this means that everyone in the country, not just the young, will become graduates and thus, as promised, follow graduation with a well paid, respectable and responsible career for life, probably in marketing, but I'd like to do media and something to do with music as well, huh, you know?
Fashion courses are also expected to be well subscribed, with the eternal question of explaining what a belt and, lets be brave here, a pair of trousers is, to a generation that have been genetically welded into cheap looking jogging pants since birth.
University leaders have been encouraged by this Summers expected A Level results, which indicate that 99.9997% of all students that took the minimum eleven subjects at A Level, will get a grade A+++ in every single one of them. BBC cameras are, once again, expected to focus on doormats throughout the land as envelopes arrive, then to film scenes of jubilation as weeping seventeen year old's hug each other outside their school buildings.
Accusations of "dumbing down" both examination papers and entry requirements for those sixty million freshers have been rejected by education experts, who claim that staying in bed until 4pm and then watching old episodes of "Rentaghost" on DVD is something that would be "beyond" most of those that took their exams in the 60's, 70's, and 80's, "...they may scoff" said Minister Porky Trough today, "...but none of these people could possibly understand the meaning of Mr Claypole like todays students do..."
The new term for the nations students starts on September 7th, with the Christmas break commencing on September 9th. Students return to their studies on March 8th, with the Summer vacation and the chance to drive a VW Camper around unsuspecting Latvia for six months, from March 10th.
