Inhabitants of London were somewhat surprised today, when the entire Fraud Squad were suddenly sucked into a vortex in the space-time continuum, and blasted millions of miles away into the Duck's Egg Nebula.
Detective Inspector Morose of the Squad had this to say from the planet Xpens: 'One minute we were hot on the trail of hundreds of blatant criminal frauds in West London, and planning to make numerous arrests, when that blasted vortex took the entire Squad away to this planet.'
'And there's not even a freemasons' hall here! So now the frauds will carry on, no arrests and no convictions, it's enough to make me wish I'd become an MP instead of joining the Old Bill.'
The unusual space-time vortex has actually hit London many times before. Earlier this year it took away a certain American pop singer's reputation for molesting children, and replaced it with one of a respectable and bookable family entertainer, and tragically it also took away Gordon Brown MP, along with his ability at quietly running national financial affairs, and brought back a slimy, alien reptile from the Nauseus Galaxy to be put in his place.
Minister for Scaremongering, The Very Reverend Dr Gauleiter Obersturmannfuhrer Professor Commander-in-Chief Vice-Wing Commander Candlestickmaker Ian Paisley, speaking from Belfast, but still managing to be heard in London, said: 'This is abominable! There will be no Pope in London, not if he's visiting and the vortex takes him off to the orange planet of Biliboyz, so every vortex has a silver lining! Excuse me, while I go and throw darts at my picture of Gerry Adams.'
And Mr Adams himself, also clearly heard from Londonderry, added: 'The question is not whether or not the Fraud Squad should have been investigating certain politicians or not, the question is, undoubtedly, one of how many potato famines I can claim expenses for.'
'From the hated, evil, undemocratic, colonising British, and thanks for all the cash, lads! And thanks for inventing democracy and Parliament. And the English language, and football and stout. And a decent legal system, and public transport and jobs in Irish cities, and ...'.
Which of course proved that Mr Adams himself had been sucked into the vortex, and returned in the 17th century, but still just managed to have the ability to claim thousands of pounds from the Ministry of Hypocrisy. 'It's British life, Jim', he said, from his luxury Kensington flat, 'but not as we know it. Beam me up, Scotty, anyone who votes for me must be potty!'
And Detective Morose added: 'You know, maybe I could get used to this Xpens planet - no frauds to investigate, no embezzling to chase up, though I miss the backhanders from the local shopkeepers already.'
'And as for uniformed duty in Parliament, we were making a fortune out of it! I can admit now we were actually helping MPs steal everything that wasn't nailed down to the floor with golden nails - even the nails. Another pina colada, please, Officer Blears.'
The public can only hope that with the removal of the Fraud Squad their taxes won't be stolen by passing Klingons. Or Daleks. Or Speakers.
