Sources within the MoD, MI6 and both the CIA and US Department of Defense have indicated that the end of the War on Terror is in sight, following the reported death of one of a leading terrorist figure.
Security Service spokesman David Shayler said today that intelligence sources had received word of the death of Abu Goodi, the shadowy female mastermind behind a global string of suicide binge-drinking and ladette fundamentalism.
Mr Shayler said, "obviously these are unconfirmed reports, and we are monitoring the tabloid press for confirmation. However, our covert sources indicate that Abu Goodi has, indeed, passed away of natural causes".
Police and public health bodies are on high alert at present, expecting an upsurge in sympathy reprisals in the form of loud drinking sessions, televised funerals, rentaquote 'tributes' and tabloid mourning. Reports of a recession-busting upturn in the floristry and helium-balloon market sectors remain unconfirmed.
Speaking at an impromptu press conference, Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson denied reports that the Scotland Yard Firearms Unit were on increased alert, adding, "it's always been our policy to shoot anyone who looks like a drunken Essex chav".
Former Prime Minister Tony Bliar, and Former President George W Shrub, both welcomed the reports of Abu Goodi's death, with President Shrub saying, "it's Mission Accomplished, folks".