Former Prime Minister Anthony 'Joan of Arc' Blair was today made into a saint by Pope Benedict XIII.
Pausing briefly from polishing his collection of looted Nazi artwork in his humble cottage in Rome, the Pontiff said: 'Mr Blair will become the first living saint in history, for his incredible services to humanity. He managed to give never-ending employment to doctors and nurses in Iraq and Israel, made huge and deadly weapons vanish into thin air, and helped thousands of people across the Middle East to go to a better place. And so he will now be known as St. Anthony of Washington.'
Mr Blair himself had this to say about his sainthood. 'Well, um, you know, haha, like, well, ummmm ... er, it's awfully good of his thinginess to, sort of, make me, um, to make me a kind of, er, you know, saint, and whatnot. Frightfully good of him, Cherie will, um, be, er, well, very pleased.' And his wife herself said: 'Whoopee!! More free holidays in Europe! Nice one, Benny!'
Other sainthoods announced included Saint Obama of Hawaii, for saying nothing about war criminals in Israel, and so helping the world forget about all their massacres, and Saint George of Texas, for eating a pretzel in what the Vatican called 'a devout and Christian manner'. But when asked if his former boss Adolf Hitler would be canonised, the Pope said: 'Now you're just being silly.'
The entire Scottish town of Perth also became Saint Johnstone today.