Written by General Payne

Sunday, 8 March 2009

image for Ulrika Jonsson. "Stop taking the piss!"
Look out, here comes Ulrika!

Ulrika Jonsson has launched an emotional plea for people to stop mocking her after she revealed deeply personal and embarrassing revelation that she is suffering from LAI (Light Adult Incontinence) following the birth of her four children. This means that when she exerts herself she has, "a bit of leakage". She finds laughing and coughing to have the worst effect.

Her current husband Brian Monet and possible father of Malcolm, Ulrika's latest child, says that sex is now definately off the menu as he can not stand being pissed on any more. This will inevitably cause strain on the couples marriage as Ms Jonsson is widely known for her voracious sexual appetite as a result of shagging almost every D list celebrity there is as well as various TV Producers. Mr Monet said, "at first I thought she was cumming like one of those women in those squirting porn films but then I realised she was pissing on me the filthy bitch".

Agents for Shooting stars hosts Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer who have worked with Jonsson for many years issued a statement saying that the duo had noticed a pissy smell when they filmed their Comic Relief special last year but just assumed she had been out shagging audience members again and had not bothered to wash.

Police were called to an incident yesterday in Tescos. Ulrika had been doing the weekly shopping when a group of youths started calling her pissy knickers and comparing her to their grannies. One said that she had shagged so many blokes that her fanny was as big as a bucket which was why she could not control herself. Another shouted, "Ulrika, do you know what the weather is doing? It's pissing down".

Eventually the star lost her temper and slapped one of the youths wetting herself in the process which only lead to more humiliating taunts.

Police Officers arrived on the scene and escorted her away. One officer said. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee, Haw haw haw haw haw haw ha ha ha ha ho". The sight of a laughing Policeman only caused Ms Jonsson to piss herself again.

Officer Dick Dribble said. "We are used to having people piss in the back of our vans so it wasn't a problem for us".

No arrests have been made.

Ms Jonsson wrote an article after being convinced that this was a normal thing that many women suffer as a result of having children. Her Gynacologist, Doctor D Pole admitted he just told her this to try and save her embarrassment. He didnt think that she would write about her personal life all over the papers.

Oh Doctor Pole. Get real ! We are talking Ulrika Jonsson here.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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