Written by Kozmik Ken

Saturday, 3 January 2009

image for Britain Extends Christmas
Gordon Brown in festive mood.

In a surprise move today, which has come as a surprise to many, Gordon Brown has announced the surprise extension of Christmas until the end of January.

"Many were expected to return to work on Friday" said Mr Brown, " but with New Year celebrations hanging heavy, the bad weather and a grim twelve months ahead predicted as the economy tumbles into recession, no one could be arsed!"

'What's the point?" he continued. "everyone is going to work their balls off only to be made redundant and lose our houses anyway! We all may as well take a few extra weeks off. Nothing much happens in January anyway!"

A surprised political commentator commented, "I'm surprised but it does make sense. Nobody wants to go back to work after Christmas do they. Pubs shops and other businesses do their best trade over the Christmas period and with the economy in it's current state, they need all the help they can get. I'm sure that this move will help to stimulate the economy"

Christmas sales are expected to continue with many shops locking their doors until customers have spent a minimum amount in order to be allowed to leave the store. Pubs and restaurants will continue their New Year's Eve parties well into January, seeing a healthy upturn in alcohol and streamer sales.

Christmas decoration manufacturers are gearing up for extended overtime shifts and turkey farmers and cranberry sauce manufacturers will be working around the clock to supply the demand. Printers are currently working overtime to supply new Christmas TV listing guides.

Visits to relatives are predicted to be up by more than 300% on January 2008, with replacement relatives set to be shipped in from Eastern Europe as many Mothers, Grandparents and Great Aunts wear out, due to the pressures of cooking extra Christmas dinners over the extended holiday period.

TV channels fear that their current stock of Christmas specials may not meet the extended demand and have put The Krankies, Little and Large and Bernie Clifton on standby in case of emergency.

Fatalities in Albert Square are expected to rise to 90% of the current cast as two Eastenders episodes per day throughout January will see scriptwriters becoming increasingly desperate for dramatic plot twists. Leaked story lines include Phil Mitchell becoming embroiled in a homosexual relationship with Charlie Slater and Dot Cotton embarking on a naked killing spree after a falling out with the Vicar of Walford. Bradley Branning will continue to look a little downcast and angry.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Christmas

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