Written by Rusty

Saturday, 15 November 2008

image for Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer
Cat killer (centre) Will she be smiling after a session in the Belfast's barrel?

A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship.

The teenager, Chantelle McSlagrat, who can't be named for legal reasons, was apprehended last month by naval security after CCTV cameras caught her throwing the ship's cat into the dock.

Kilo the cat was thrown from a gangway that connects the battleship to the dock between London and Tower Bridges.

Kilo, who has not been seen since being lobbed into the Thames, was adopted by the ship's crew from Battersea Dogs and Cats Home last Christmas.

The split-arsed hoodie, who initially denied the charge of cruelty, attended court with a bleached Croydon facelift hair-do and was seen giggling during the trial and sentencing, telling reporters "Fer fuck's sake, it woz only an effin' moggy. It's not like it's sum real special protected species is it?"

However the unrepentant 16-year-old mother of three, and a resident of the Camberwell Slappers Centre, later told the Camberwell Youth Court she had been on a 'bender' with two chav friends that night and had drunk four bottles of Shite Lightning and several Meth's Breezers before being attacked by Kilo the cat.

"We woz 'angin' round the dock like, 'avin' a drink an' smokin' a bifta, an' I picks the moggy up ter stroke it like, an' sez to me mates 'Ay look 'ere, I've got another pussy' an' stick's it's 'ead between me thighs as a joke an' the little twat scratches me, so I flung the fucker in the dock."

Arresting police officer Pc Scott Barmy informed the media "We were hoping for a brief custodial sentence, around five years with hard labour, as the ignorant slut showed contempt for the legal process by laughing during the trial. However, a 200 hour stint on board the Belfast, servicing the crew, should prove to be enough of a sharp shock and a lesson in social responsibilities."

A smiling HMS Belfast Chief Warrant Officer, Donna Dildodo, told reporters "We intend to give Chantelle a few stern lessons about cruelty to pussies before we keel-haul her."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Cats, Chavs

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